shutting myself out

when i was 12, i don't even understand what depression is
i grew up happily
i grew up to be the girl who have the brightest smile in my family
i grew up knowing that my future is gonna be full of surprises and everything good awaits me

but as i grew up,
i was told to be perfect
i'm dying to be perfect,
the perfect daughter,
the perfect friend,
the perfect girl anyone could ever met


i was told that it is not okay to make wrong choices
i was told to never ever make a fool of myself
i was told to do this and that
i was told by everyone to be normal
i was told to be myself
but when i became myself,
you called me a 'weirdo'
i was judged


what did i do wrong?

now i'm 16 years old and i have no idea what future awaits me
i dont even think there's a future for me
i don't even think i'm supposed to be here
living
in
this
world


i am not meant to be alive
i was supposed to be dead and everyone will feel okay with my absence
no one would ever care

i'm not living. i'm just not dying.

now...

i'm shutting myself out from this world
i'm messed up
and
i will never be someone i used to be