Potato Stories

Sunday, November 23, 2014

too young to die, too dull to live.

It's been a long time since I wrote anything here even though it doesn't even matter because no one is actually reading my blog/care about my blog. lol
So that was a bit dissapointing intro hmm because i'm actually not motivated to live at this moment.
it's not like i want to kill myself right now but it crosssed my mind a couple of times.
but it doesn't matter okay? because i don't matter. i'm no one so why bother.
don't get me wrong though, i'm just bummed right now.
i might be depressed. i don't even know what's going on with me right now.

so currently, i'm listening to TFIOS playlist.
what a beautiful playlist.
it's amazing.
the songs are amazing.
they were written perfectly.
perfect for teenagers like me.
well, if you're 30+ you might think i'm a dull boring teen that's bored with my own life and trying to seek attention from the social media...

which is not correct because i never actually thought of seeking attention from the public attention so... just don't think of that.

i never actually posted anything regarding my feelings/thoughts about the life im living right now and... i just want to vent out some stuffs that has been going on in my mind for approximately 1 or almost 2 years of my life.

since i was 11, i know there's something different inside of me which i never told anyone before.
not even my family or closest friends.
and the 'different' thing inside of me is not a good thing and i know this thing will one day consume me and eat me from the inside of me and i will just turn into a living corpse trying to escape from my own body which is impossible.
i have had battles in my mind and i pretend to be okay but deep inside... i am no longer me.
i've changed. and the thing is... it is not a good change.
i tried a couple of times to be more like my sister (she's very good at making friends and socializing) and it succeed.
i have a lot of friends and most people love hanging out with me but they do not know who i really am and i'm just pretending to be like my sister so people will love me.
deep inside of me, i hate me. i hate myself.
i just don't know what to do with my life anymore.

i joined a lot of school activities and the happiness that i gained from the school activities only lasts during the portion of time when i'm doing the activities and it just doesn't last.
i tried so hard to be perfect.
i scored straight A's for my parents so they will be happy but i never feel appreciated for all the work that i have done.
i joined a lot of curricular activities so i have many friends and i want to make my parents proud of me when i win a competition but deep inside my heart... i know i won't make anyone happy for the achievements that i get.
i spend a lot of time trying to be perfect, trying to please everyone around me and make everyone around me happy.
i forgot to make myself happy. i forgot to please myself. i forgot to be myself.
i am a loser.
i am no one.
i am dull.


that's who i am and i have no idea where to start to repair myself.
i'm going bad and i know it.
i watch a lot of movies, read books and spend soooo many time online because that's the only way out of my own mind.
that's the only way i can forget about myself and be out of my mind and focused on something else.

and that is literally me.
which i can't change/escape.
i'm forgetting myself....

No comments:

Post a Comment